


A Legendary Christmas

by KB9VCN



Category: Zombieland Saga (Anime)
Genre: Dumb-ass Zombies, Friendship, Gen, Humor, One Shot, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-25
Updated: 2018-12-25
Packaged: 2019-09-27 06:16:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17156783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KB9VCN/pseuds/KB9VCN
Summary: Published 25-Dec-2018; humor; about 1800 words.For the31_days"who can I talk to today?" prompt.This contains slapstick violence and zombie shenanigans, Junko abuse and adult humor in the last scene, and a couple of Dad Jokes.  Reader discretion is advised.





	A Legendary Christmas

**Author's Note:**

> Published 25-Dec-2018; humor; about 1800 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](https://31-days.dreamwidth.org/) "[who can I talk to today?](https://31-days.dreamwidth.org/3351159.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains slapstick violence and zombie shenanigans, Junko abuse and adult humor in the last scene, and a couple of Dad Jokes. Reader discretion is advised.

Kotaro was sleeping at his desk, reclining in his chair with his feet up, when Sakura and Saki stormed into the room. "OI, SHADES!!" Saki yelled in her Outdoor Voice.

"GAH!!" Kotaro nearly fell out of his chair. "Can't you see that I'm WORKING here, you dumb-ass zombies!?"

"Dude," said Saki. "You were sleeping at your desk."

"Well, can't you see that I'm SLEEPING here!?" Kotaro yelled. "What do you want, anyway!?"

"Tae- _chan_ is missing!" Sakura cried. "We were all busy putting up Christmas decorations in the mansion, an' she ran away when we weren't looking!"

"Oh," Kotaro said.

An uncomfortable silence fell over the room. Sakura and Saki looked at each other, and then they looked back at Kotaro.

"WELL!?" Saki suddenly yelled.

"WELL WHAT!?" Kotaro yelled back.

"Aren't we going to look for her!?" Sakura asked.

"What good does it do to look for ANY of your dumb asses!?" Kotaro grumbled. "I've already warned ALL of you about going out on your own, and you ALL keep doing it anyway!"

"Well, yes," Sakura said sheepishly, "but this is Tae- _chan_ we're talking about!"

"So?" Kotaro asked. "She was wearing full waterproof makeup, the last time I saw her. With all the holiday shoppers and partiers, she'll be just another face in the crowd. And her legend isn't about anything, and so she doesn't have any painful back-story to work through. She'll be fine... probably."

"She might BITE someone," Sakura noted.

"A little biting never hurt anybody," Kotaro reminded her.

"You ARE insane, aren't you," Sakura said sadly.

"Yer missin' the point, Shades!" Saki said. "Tae is the least 'put-together' girl in Franchouchou— in more ways than one. She could lose her freakin' HEAD or somethin'!"

"So?" Kotaro asked again. "If she loses her head, I'll just get her another one."

"YOU CAN'T JUST!!—" Saki started to say. "...wait a moment. Can you really just get another head? Just like that?"

Kotaro leaned forward, held Saki's chin, and gave her a reassuring paternal smile. "My dear Saki Nikaido. Let me assure you that the legendary producer Kotaro Tatsumi knows HOW TO GET A HEAD IN SHOW BUSINESS!"

Saki hit him.

—

Tae Yamada walked into a bar.

A minute or so later, she was thrown out of the bar to land face-first on the sidewalk. She was roughly 29 years old, and so she was of legal age, but she had happened to choose a bar with rules against eating the upholstery.

"Rrugh," she said to a nearby streetlamp as she stumbled to her feet.

The streetlamp didn't answer. However, it was wrapped in wide red ribbons for Christmas to resemble a huge candy cane— and so Tae licked it.

It was an average winter day in Saga, and the weather wasn't particularly frigid, but it was cold enough for Tae's tongue to freeze to the streetlamp briefly.

"Ngh! Ngh! NNNGH!!" Tae instinctively tried to pull away from the streetlamp— and painlessly but predictably tore her tongue right out of her mouth. After a moment, her tongue came free from the streetlamp and fell to the ground.

"* _aaagh_ * * _aaagh_ * * _aaagh_ *" Tae said, not knowing what to do. But then, she looked down at her tongue, and apparently mistaking it for a bit of squid, put it back in her mouth. Fortunately, it reseated before she could swallow it.

"Rrugh?" a confused Tae asked the streetlamp. After all that effort, she was right back where she had started.

She was about to try licking the streetlamp again, just to make sure she hadn't missed a step, when a certain annoying policeman strolled up. "Oi oi!" he said. "Are ya drunk in public? Do ya wanna get arrested? 'Cause I'll arrest you!..."

"Rrugh!!" Tae explained. "Rugh ugh ugh grugh ugh! Ugh rugh ugh ugh grugh rugh ugh! Ugh grugh ugh! Grugh! Ugh ugh ugh! Rugh rugh grugh rugh rugh ugh ugh ugh! Grugh ugh rugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh! Rrugh! Grugh! Rrugh! Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh! GRUGH!!"

"An unlikely story," the policeman said smugly as he took out his handcuffs and reached for Tae's arm. "Save it for the questioning... guh?... AAUGH!!"

He had pulled on Tae's arm a bit too hard— and pulled it off her body. He staggered backwards in shock, dropping both the handcuffs and Tae's arm, and then backed into the streetlamp and knocked himself out cold.

"Rrugh?" Tae had never seen handcuffs before, but they were pretty and shiny. She reached down and picked up the cuffs, and then put them in her pocket, somehow scooping up her loose arm and reconnecting it as well.

After saying goodbye to both the streetlamp and the funny little blue man, Tae shambled down the street and around a corner, and found a crying lost child standing in the middle of the sidewalk.

Tae crouched in front of the tiny boy. "Rrugh?" she asked.

"WHAAAH!!" the boy said.

"Rrugh!?"

"WHAAH!!"

"RRUGH!?"

"WHAAH!!"

Tae raised her head and wailed with the child. "WHAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!!"

The child's mother ran up and took the child's hand. "THERE you are!... Tnank you so much, miss. If you hadn't shouted, I'd never have found him. Honestly, the police in this city are just useless!..."

"...rrugh?" Tae stood up, and then half-waved as the woman led her child away.

She continued to shamble down the street, approached a more busy and crowded area, and brushed past a young couple, gently pushing the woman towards her companion.

"Hey!!" the man shouted as Tae shambled away from them. "Be careful, would you!!"

"Honey? It's alright. Actually, I'm glad she did that." The woman nervously put her arms around him and embraced him. "I guess I needed one more little 'push' to say this... I love you."

The man blinked in surprise, and then he smiled. "I love you too," he said softly, and then they kissed deeply.

Totally unaware of this second good deed, Tae walked up to a little old man who was standing at the corner with two bags of groceries and waiting for the light to change. She looked at him, and then stood next to him and comically copied his pose.

The man turned to look at her, and then smiled. "Oh! You're Number Zero from Franchouchou, aren't you?" the man asked.

"Rrugh," Tae said without moving, as if she were standing at attention.

"I caught your head during the performance at Saga Castle, back when you were still working as 'Green Face'. Remember?" the man said. "I still don't know how you and Number One did that magic trick, but it was the best live show I've seen in years."

"Rrugh," Tae said again.

"You like dried squid, don't you? Well, here you go." The man reached into his bag, pulled out an unopened bag of dried squid, and handed it to her.

"Grugh?" Tae asked as she turned towards the man.

"Please, take it," the man said. "I don't have any family, and I haven't given any gifts at all. it's the least I can do."

"...rrugh." Tae held the bag to her chest, somehow ignoring the urge to tear the bag open and empty it in one gulp.

"Oh, the light's changed. Merry Christmas!" The man gave Tae a head-pat, and then crossed the street and walked away.

Tae watched the man walk away. And then, she stared into the distance, as if she were transfixed... in thought.

_What a nice thing to do,_ Tae thought.

And then, Tae's eyes widened. "Wait— I THOUGHT!?" she said out loud.

And THEN, she clapped a hand over her mouth, and then slowly released herself. "Wait— I can TALK!?" she said.

She hung her head, hugged the bag of dried squid tightly, and brushed happy tears from her eyes. _It's a Christmas miracle,_ she thought, _and all it took to awaken was a random act of kindness from a stranger._

Tae turned back and ran for the mansion, still holding the bag tightly to her chest. _I can't wait to tell all of my friends how much I love all of them!_ she thought. _I can't wait to thank Sakura for everything she's done for me! Oh, and I have to apologize to poor Junko for everything I've done to her... but she's really nice, and I'm sure she'll forgive me. Oh, this is wonderful! I can't wait to—_

And then, she started to run across the street in front of the mansion— and of course, she got trucked.

—

Kotaro and the rest of Franchouchou were relaxing in the festively-decorated mansion lounge when they heard an ominous thud.

Sakura and Saki jumped up and ran for the door. "You don't think—" Saki started to say.

They opened the door to find a post-collision Tae, who sadly had been returned to her feral state by Truck- _kun_. "Rrugh," she said.

Sakura hugged her. "I'm so glad you're alright!... Oh, is that a bag of dried squid? Where did you get that?"

Tae was no longer verbal, but she still felt a primal love for her teammates. She held out the bag. "GRUGH!!" she said.

"Well, whadya know," Saki said. "She must have gone Christmas shoppin' for us. Thanks, champ." She took the bag, opened it, took a bit of squid for herself, and then passed it around.

Sakura hugged Tae again, and let Tae give her a skull-top love-bite in return. "I'm so proud of you, Tae- _chan_!... Is something wrong?"

Tae happened to look at Junko. "Grugh rugh ugh!" she said as she scrabbled in her pockets, not remembering her earlier resolve to apologize, but still feeling the urge to do something extra special for her favorite chew-toy.

And then, she found the pretty shiny thing that the funny little blue man had given her. "RRUGH!!" she said as she held up the handcuffs.

"Wha-wha-wha-WHAT!?" poor Junko said.

Tae began to chase Junko around the room, apparently trying to cuff her. "EEEEEEEE!!" said a terrified Junko.

Sakura, Saki, Kotaro and the others watched Tae chase Junko around the room. "It looks like everything is back to normal," Sakura said weakly.

"What's 'normal' supposed to be?" Saki thought out loud. "I know Yugiri was into some kinky stuff, but I didn't know Tae was too."

Kotaro held his arms around his Number One and Number Two. "Isn't it wonderful?" he said incongruously.

Sakura pulled a face. "So you're insane AND perverted," she said sadly.

"An' Junko is obviously a sub," Saki added, "but Tae still oughta ask for consent first."

"Perhaps," Kotaro said with another paternal smile, "but it's wonderful that my girls have grown so close to each other, and got to know each other so well, and come to trust each other so much, that they play TAE-UP GAMES together!"

Sakura and Saki both hit him.


End file.
